J Report Preview

Yeah, I decided to write up something for fun. So here's a preview, I'll be posting the full thing in January or something.

(Excerpt from Chapter 1: Introductions)

Cross Dem Fingers

"Back in the day me and Al decided that, just for fun, we’d jump on the back of his llama, Mildred. It was a fat llama, akin to a Volkswagen Beetle without the wheels or the cheesy guy with a German accent going,”Yo, VW represent!” It was like the very bowels of the earth opened when that llama decided to speak about astrophysics. In fact, it did. The llama and Al were lost to the tumultuous reign of the sea people under the crust, but it didn’t matter because that never happened.

"What did happen was that for every single time I got fragged in Halo, I’d jump up and yell quietly about society and the issues it spewed forth like lightning bolts out of that robot from that show with the dude from Freakazoid. Man, Freakazoid was a great show. It had only two seasons with two butlers and that finale with Norm Abram making that doom ray out of wood. The Lobe wasn’t that funny. I like that cave guy though – he read the New Yorker like a cool person. Are you a cool person? Read the New Yorker.

"I kinda find the New Yorker boring though. For every page I turn, there’s text. I don’t want to see text; I get enough of that from education. I want to see a brightly colored picture of an insanely cute Hello Kitty getting her head severed off with a katana by that guy from Ninja Gaiden. Oh the stories that ninja could tell.

"Like that time I tried to be a ninja. I was super fast, and super silent. Nobody could see me because I was wearing neon green so bright I blinded everyone with my poor fashion sense. I could jump from house to house with a rose in my mouth making people feel less lonely or more dead – whichever came first, really. Too bad I got tired and went back inside to drink some Tang, because I lost the ninja powers.

"Tang defeats ninjas. I don’t know why. It must have too much vitamin C for even ninjas to handle. Before that drink, I thought that was impossible. But ninjas have their limits. Like that they can’t reproduce because that would break ninja code. But ninjas will always be defeated by pirates.

"Pirates are cool. They really are, they’re like robbers of the sea."